Jerky

Posted By: Jim Rogers
Date: Monday, 4 August 2003, at 3:57 p.m.

SOLVING AN AGE OLD MYSTERY

After living a couple of summers in Las Vegas, I think I have solved a mystery that has baffled geologists for centuries. I have the solution to the preservation of mummies, as found in ancient pyramids in Egypt. No one knows for sure why these mummies have lasted for such a long time.

I stumbled upon the answer quite by accident out in my patio. After a family get together at my house, I decided not to clean up for a couple of days. (I know—lazy---lazy), but I’m retired and I can do whatever I want. When I finally got to it I noticed a forgotten wiener that had been exposed to the sun for a couple of days. When I picked it up there was a considerable difference in its weight from that of a fresh hot dog. Not only that but it was wrinkled and very dry. I took a knife and cut it open, the inside had the look of a piece of jerky that you can buy in some markets. It looked okay so I finally got up enough nerve to taste a small piece. The taste seemed all right and somewhat like the jerky being sold.

That night I found the definition of jerky in the dictionary was-- meat cut into thin strips and dried in the sun. I thought that was pretty cool so I

went to the store and bought more wieners. At first I laid a dog on a table and made a small screen mesh to cover it and keep the flies off. In a couple of days I smelled and tasted my test dog. It wasn’t too bad! My next test was the same except I heavily salted the meat. Eureka, my jerky had very little moisture and seemed to be preserved satisfactorily.

My mind raced furiously, thinking of the possibilities of this minor discovery. For many years the idea of preserving people after they die, using cryogenics and freezing the remains has been tried. This sometimes resulted in disastrous results when funds ran out and the frozen person was just abandoned.

What if we just turned them into Jerky?

For instance if Uncle Joe died of cancer we could turn him into jerky, crate him up and keep him into a cloths closet and if they found a cure for cancer we could just add water, fluff him up a little and cure him on the spot.

On a more practical note think of all the possibilities, we wouldn’t necessarily have to use Las Vegas. We could send all of our dearly departed to Death Valley (note: the subtle use of an already named place). We could call it “Death Valley the Jerkytorium of the U.S.” The bodies in the jerky making stage could extend from one end of the Valley to the next. Not only that, I think there is natural salt there that could be mined and used to help dehydrate our loved ones.

For many years our cemeteries have been filling up, we are running out of room. After my system of jerkafying them goes into effect their weight and size would be reduced considerably. One pallbearer could carry 2 jerky people, one under each arm. This way we could put them in light boxes and ware house them on pallets ten or fifteen high.

This brings me back to my original premise, about the Egyptian mummies. The Egyptians had access to salt because of their proximity to the sea. They undoubtedly made jerky out of the highborn of their time and then wrapped them in linen strips. This preserved them very well for centuries. If you think about that the next thing that comes to mind is what about the commoner? Were they jerkyed also and if so what was done with the bodies? This might bring an entirely new meaning to the age-old question around the dinner table—White meat or Dark?

Jim Rogers
captii@cox,net

Messages In This Thread

Jerky
Jim Rogers -- Monday, 4 August 2003, at 3:57 p.m.

Re: Jerky
Gerald -- Wednesday, 6 August 2003, at 12:42 p.m.

Re: Jerky
Ginger -- Friday, 8 August 2003, at 5:46 p.m.

 

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